💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌
I constantly feel myself as not enough in everything I do, but my coping mechanism is to do more things. The cycle of needing to please everyone makes me feel more inadequate and then the continuous projects make me feel like I'm always drowning. I feel guilty doing something for myself, and yet feel exhausted from giving myself entirely to people around me and things I do. It's a cycle I'm trying to get out of, but I just find myself more entangled.
Lost in my own inadequacy
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌
I’ve come to a place in my life where I’m truly happy with who I am, who my friends are and the community we’ve been able to create around us. However, often times I feel like I have to hide significant parts of who I am to the rest of the world, like I feel that they won’t be ready for the person I have shaped out to be, because it’s not a way of being that has been encouraged by mainstream society.
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌
I am currently pursuing an art form that gives me so much pain. It is draining both physically and emotionally and the futile pursuit of perfection constantly causes me to believe that I'm not good enough. Everything hurts. Sometimes I don't know why I do it to myself. Yet for some reason I am continuously drawn back to it as it is such a deep and fulfilling expression.
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌
Lately I've been feeling that I have too many things going on in my life right now. All of them require my energy simultaneously and it makes me feel divided by all of them. I can never get anything done!
💌 Dear Ruksi 💌
I truly believe that there's a higher power, a divinity that's looking out for me and that God's plan for me is better than my plan for me but what if I don't deserve God's grace or His love and blessings. I have faith that there's a loving God but what if I'm not meant to be a recipient of that love, or at least shown in the way I desire. What if I don't like His plan.
💌 Dear Ruksi 💌
In giving myself to another person, I fear losing everything that is unique and integral to my being. I want to do more and be more, but I feel engulfed in a cloud of complacency and I can't seem to escape. I miss the discomfort of being alone because of the unbelievable growth it fostered inside me. I fear being stunted, stuck, at a stand still, when I so desperately want to be more.
Losing Myself as I Give Myself
💌 💌 Dear Ruksi 💌 💌 My heart is soaring. I witness the effect of giving love to everyone and everything and getting it in return. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced this phenomenon.
Nowadays, I see the good inside all souls I come across, but I fear this feeling will eventually feel numb.
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌 When I was kid I felt really oppressed. Highly criticized, always never good enough, highly abandoned. Now I’m an adult, and no is criticizing me anymore. But I still feel, “Never good enough, never smart enough, never tough enough.” Even when I am happy, never enough of something which makes me feel I always must be punished. I am finally realizing I am enough and will not let anyone oppress me. But how do you break away from oppression, when your biggest oppressor is now yourself?Read More
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌 I constantly feel like time is on me like a dark cloud... And I have experienced, that if I don't make personal decisions on time, they will be made for me. During these times, I pray for peace of mind so I can sail smoothly to my next destination and make this decision. Life is simplier than I make it, so why can't I just understand and make friends with time and step on board with life?
Fighting Against Time
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌 I often postpone making calls, writing letters, or reconnecting with people who have touched my life- waiting for the life to slow down and to have enough time to properly dedicate to long conversations. Sadly life never slows down enough and I fall out of touch.
Communicating but not Connecting
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌 Sometimes people accuse me of trying to hurt or control them when I merely disagree with them. It's like the disagreement is a knife they put in my hand, then take my hand and use it to stab themselves, but I am the one who feels the pain, the guilt of causing pain to another, and anger that they make it about themselves and me when that's not where I'm coming from. I feel like I don't have a right to express strong feelings about anything because somebody else will feel threatened by it and blame me.Read More
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌 feel that my life has been a marathon of trying to "figure things out" - trying to go from achieving one goal to another - all the while failing to appreciate the journey along the way, to be fully present in the moment. I wonder, will I ever reach a point of simply being okay in the present, not looking too much to the past, nor too far out into the future?
Unable to Live the Present
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌 I love being loved, and I love giving love, but sometimes I'm afraid that when I receive love I am ungrateful for it, and at the time I don't even know that such ingratitude is present, thus hurting the person giving the love without even knowing that I'm hurting them.
I'm usually confidant that I reciprocate. I'm told that I very much reciprocate, but yet sometimes I have this nagging fear that this act of being told that I do is simply additional love and kindness being piled onto me, and I'm actually truly ungrateful. I have received more love than any person must deserve, I don't think I have the strength to give it back.
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌 With each step I consciously take to be included, I feel more excluded. I feel silly because I often delude myself into thinking I belong, but events trigger that I will always be an outsider. I’ve deleted my social media because it just showcases my world through a window where everyone is a spectator. Now the realization of solitude is a bitter truth to adjust to.Read More
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌 I've recently been introduced to a fantastic new life. A life outside the comfort of my family. I'm surrounded by brilliant people who dedicate everything to excel in their careers and talents. I envy their discipline but most importantly, their values. I cannot decide what I value most in my life. I know this is the only thing keeping me from doing the best I can.
The Best I can Do
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌 I am overwhelmed by fear of having to set boundaries to seek a more balanced life after diving into spiritual life for the past year while still desiring to start work and be self sufficient. I feel scared to fall too far away from my spiritual practice as I strive for my material goals but if I don't make the jump now, I'm afraid it might lead me to a breaking point where I will drop both.
Walking the Tightrope of Life
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌 I’m overwhelmed by the number of paths I can choose to take. I would like to incorporate all my interests, but since each requires a level of preparation and effort, I have to take some up and leave some behind. So, faced with too many choices and unwilling to let things go, I end up paralyzed. My heart is stretched in so many directions that I am ultimately going nowhere.Read More
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌 When you have to fill a jar with sand, pebbles and stones, they suggest starting with the stones, then the pebbles then finally the sand. I'm living an upside down life where sand and pebbles make the cut, but now I have no space for the stones that matter most.Read More
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌 I keep postponing feelings which seem too intense to handle whether it was too much happiness, sadness or anger. Sometimes it feels like I'm living at the periphery of life, too afraid or too busy to pay attention to my emotions - I hope I can get to know my feelings better and become a more authentic version of myself.
Living in denial
💌💌 Dear Ruksi 💌💌 I crave affection and attention so much. I even demand it from the people around me, sometimes in childish ways. But however much affection and care my family and friends give me, I never feel quite content and I don’t know what I need to feel happy.
Demanding Love but Embarrassed to Receive it